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Oct 186 min read
Understanding The Stages of Grief Can Help Healing After Hard Times
Updated: Oct 28
Disasters, whether natural or personal, can leave us reeling, struggling to process the upheaval and loss. It's common to experience a range of intense emotions in the aftermath. Grief can happen from a loss of a loved one, a natural disaster, a health diagnosis, the end of a relationship, or even a change in circumstance such as the loss of a job. It can range from mild to severe and each stage of grief can at times be a help or a hinderance. The stages are not linear, may not happen in the most ideal timeframes, and most people experience them in different orders or revisit them over time. While everyone copes differently and can depend on the stressor, understanding the stages of emotional response can offer valuable insight and guidance on the journey to recovery.
Denial:In the initial shock, denial can act as a buffer, protecting us from the full impact of the stressful event. We might minimize the damage, tell ourselves “It could have been worse," or even convince ourselves it won't happen again. While avoidance of negative feelings can help us focus on immediate survival needs, prolonged denial can hinder our ability to process the reality of the situation and prepare for the future. Continued avoidance can lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms or distractions. Denial about the suffering of others and how they were impacted can lead to a lack of empathy and compassion, ultimately damaging our relationships and hindering collective healing. Acknowledging and having empathy for yourself and others will lead to better recovery.
Ask yourself: Am I avoiding difficult feelings? Am I minimizing the impact on myself or others? Am I adequately preparing for the future? What do I need to feel better right now?
Basic Coping: Checking in with yourself regularly, mindfulness of how your mind and body feel, talking to others about your experience, journaling, preparing for the future, identifying what will help you feel better and more in control, and self-care.
Anger:Anger is a natural response to loss, injustice, and the disruption of our lives. We might feel anger towards those who escaped unscathed, frustration with lack of support from others, anger at a higher power for letting this happen, or resentment towards how our life has been altered. Sometimes it’s easier to be angry than sad because we can use that anger energy to get things done. It’s, however, important to acknowledge anger, but also to be mindful of how it affects us and those around us. Uncontrolled anger can lead to strained relationships, impulsive decisions, medical problems, difficulty empathizing with others, and overall, not feeling good. Take a moment to truly feel the difference between love and anger. Which emotion empowers you? Which leaves you feeling drained and disconnected?
Ask yourself: How is my anger manifesting? Am I expressing my anger in healthy ways? Am I able to maintain empathy for others? How can I be more loving towards myself and others?
Basic Coping: Take care of your physical needs such as food, water, and shelter, deep breathing, meditation, mindfulness, stretching, writing down frustrations and tearing them up, exercise to release the cortisol, talk to a trusted support person.
Depression:Feelings of sadness, grief, and despair are common after a traumatic event. We might mourn the loss of others, parts of ourselves, our routine, and sense of normalcy. We may feel overwhelmed by the challenges ahead, feel isolated by others who may not understand our struggle, or be experiencing survivor's guilt. Some may feel suicidal and just want the pain to end. We may become so focused on ourselves that we push others away or alienate others. The aftermath of a stressful event can bring a sense of depletion and exhaustion. It's crucial to recognize feelings of depression and sadness and seek support if they become overwhelming. Feeling “down” can be a coping tool as a signal to slow down, rest, and prioritize self-care for the body and mind. It's okay to feel the weight of this situation. It's heavy, but it won't always be this way. Time, healing, and support will gradually lighten the load.
Ask yourself: Am I experiencing changes in sleep, appetite, or energy levels? Am I withdrawing from others? Are negative thoughts persistent or intrusive?
Basic Coping: Lean on your support systems, write down what you are grateful for so you can see the positives in your life, listen to empowering meditations, allow yourself to have your feelings without judgement, you are not alone-others have gone through the same thing.
Bargaining:In this stage, we grapple with "what ifs" and search for meaning in the event. We might replay events, question our actions, or seek explanations, even resorting to bargaining with a higher power or with others. While seeking meaning can be helpful, it's important to avoid getting stuck in unproductive rumination or self-blame. Bargaining often involves searching for explanations, which can bring a sense of peace but can also lead to a dangerous path of self-criticism or judging others. Choose understanding and compassion, and gently redirect your focus to the present moment and what you can do now to move forward.
Ask yourself: Is my search for meaning helping me heal or hindering my progress? Am I engaging in self-blame or unproductive rumination? What can I learn from this situation? What can I do to move forward?
Basic Coping: Patience with yourself and others as healing and recovery takes time, focus on what you can do differently than what you should have done, identify how you can use your faith, hope, or search for meaning to empower you.
Acceptance:Acceptance isn't about giving up or resigning yourself to a difficult situation. Instead, it's about acknowledging the reality of what has happened, allowing yourself to feel the full spectrum of emotions without judgment, and finding ways to move forward. It's a conscious choice to engage with the present moment, rather than getting stuck in denial, depression, anger, or bargaining. Acceptance can bring a sense of peace, allowing you to focus on rebuilding and finding new meaning in your life. It marks a shift from merely surviving to actively thriving. Acceptance may feel more healing than the other stages and provide a sense of resilience for moving forward as you accept yourself, your situation, and others.
Ask yourself: Am I acknowledging my emotions without judgment? Am I focusing on what I can control, rather than dwelling on what I can't? What steps can I take today to support my well-being and move forward? What new opportunities or perspectives might this experience offer?
Basic Coping: Recognize how acceptance of past difficult situations helped you to heal and move on, remember other times you were able to cope and move forward, recognize others in your life who have healed from this type of experience and what they did to get there, give yourself love for working towards positive changes.
Anxiety:While not technically a stage of grief, anxiety often plays a significant role in the aftermath of a disaster. Uncertainty about the future, fear of recurrence, and the disruption of routine can trigger intense anxiety. This can lead to impulsive decisions, difficulty concentrating, sleep and appetite issues, avoidance, and heightened emotional reactivity. It's essential to manage anxiety through healthy coping mechanisms and seek professional support if needed. It’s important to acknowledge your anxiety and take care of yourself right now otherwise you may experience more intense feelings later. You may need to seek help if your anxiety becomes more pervasive like PTSD.
Ask yourself: How is anxiety affecting my thoughts, feelings, body, and behaviors? Am I engaging in healthy coping strategies? What triggers my anxiety and what do I need to cope differently? Do I need to seek professional help?
Basic Coping: Identify what has helped in the past to alleviate your anxiety, reduce caffeine and alcohol use that an contribute to increased anxiety, eat healthy to give your brain the resources it needs to make good decisions, consider using an app such as Finch, Calm, or Headspace to help you feel more grounded, focus on slow deep breathing.
The key to moving through the stages is to acknowledge your emotions, practice self-compassion, and seek support when needed. You may also need to see a professional or take medications if you are having difficulty coping or functioning.
Remember, healing is a journey, not a destination. By understanding these stages and taking proactive steps towards recovery, you can navigate the emotional aftermath of a disaster and emerge stronger and more resilient. Every hero in a story goes through their own stages to conquer obstacles, accept themselves, and reconnect with those that love and support them. You can too!