In my latest blogs, I discussed how workplace boundaries get crossed. Figuring out workplace boundaries and how to work together in a cohesive way can be tricky and sometimes daunting. It's like learning a new dance where sometimes you step on toes, and sometimes you miss a beat. But mastering those moves is key to creating a workplace where everyone feels comfortable and in step.
Here are ways to work better together and communicate your boundaries:
Communicate clearly and openly. Explain your boundaries calmly and respectfully. Use "I" statements to express your needs without blaming or accusing the other person and consider adding in a positive or a compliment. Be specific and don’t make assumptions that the other person can read your mind about what you want. If you find that you are often saying, “They should just know,” you may need to reevaluate your communication style.
Be assertive not aggressive. Don't be afraid to say "no" when someone crosses your boundaries and pay attention to your tone. Remember that there is a difference between being assertive vs. aggressive. It's okay to prioritize your well-being but try sharing your boundaries without being mean.
Listen and respect the other person's boundaries. Other people’s boundaries are just as valid as yours, even if they're different. The more kind you are in sharing your boundaries the more the other person is going to be willing to hear them. Charm is like Wi-Fi, the stronger the signal, the more connections you'll make.
Know your boundaries. Identify what your boundaries are and how you can communicate them to others. If you don't know what they are then other's won't know them either. We sometimes make assumptions that people know what we need but often they don't. Also don't make assumptions about other people's boundaries. You may have been taught the golden rule of "Treat others how you want to be treated," but consider the platinum rule of "Treat others how they want to be treated."
Patience truly is a virtue. It takes time to understand and adjust to each other's boundaries. Even family members who were raised in the same household or couples that have been together for 50 years can have different boundaries so it’s likely that different people will have different boundaries and that it will take time and patience for each of you to learn what is needed to feel valued.
Be open and compromise. Understand that just because your assert your boundary doesn’t mean you’ll get your way. You may need to compromise if other people’s boundaries differ from your own. Try to find common ground. Would you rather win or have a good work environment? Focusing on working as a team will give you the win you need.
When you seek revenge, dig two graves. It can be tempting to get even when you feel someone crossed your boundaries. If you have ever worked with a narcissist or sycophant, you may have the urge to get even in some way. Consider however, how you've felt in the past when you forgave and moved on vs when you ruminated about the injustice or tried to teach that person a lesson. When we let go we tend to feel more free.
How to let go. If you find that you can't let go of a crossed boundary try talking to someone about what you can do to move forward. Get the emotions out with a safe person or therapist so you can plan on what you can say or do in a healthy way. Try journaling your feelings and then think about what you can do to feel better. Write down your aggravation on a post-it and then rip it up into little pieces to signify you are going to move on.
Visualize, Don't Internalize. Use visualization to let go of hurt feeling such as leaves floating away in the wind. If you need a more aggressive fantasy that's fine, think it-just don't do it. If it gives you momentary pleasure of fantasizing about getting the person fired or throwing coffee on their computer it's ok, just think about it and then redirect your energy into something more productive.
Put on your game face. Even sports teams don't go into a game with out a plan. Make a game plan of your boundaries. What time will you stop answering emails or phone calls from work? Perhaps you want to inform people verbally or in your email signature when you will respond to requests. How can you address the "know it all" in the meeting when they interrupt? Consider your boundary issues and make a plan of how to you will deal with them.
Who would you rather be: Identify who is a good communicator in your field and ask yourself how you can be more like them. Would you rather be a Michael Scott, Jim Halbert, Darryl Philbin, Pam Beesly, or David Wallace from The Office? If you were a character in a television show, would you be proud of how you were portrayed? If not, it might be time to make a change.
Consider reading books or taking a course on workplace relationships. Here are some recommendations:
Powerful Phrases for Dealing with Difficult People: Over 325 Ready-to-Use Words and Phrases for Working with Challenging Personalities-
How To Win Friends and Influence People- https://a.co/d/4XQ8XYJ
Lean In: Women, Work, and Will To Lead- https://a.co/d/1aVftYK
The Four Agreements: https://a.co/d/4WsSZH7
Fred Pryor Seminars-Dealing with Difficult People: https://www.pryor.com/
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Remember that you are not responsible for other people's feelings or reactions when you set boundaries, but you are responsible for how you communicate them. It's not your job to change someone else's boundaries, and be wary if someone keeps trying to change yours. It's also perfectly okay to distance yourself from people who consistently disrespect your boundaries but consider sharing your boundaries with them first before getting angry or just walking away.
As you can see there are a lot of factors in work place boundaries, why they are crossed, and how they can be addressed. A therapist can help you address your specific boundary issues and learn ways to communicate them in a prosocial way.
Let's master the art of setting boundaries at work because "No" is a complete sentence, and your sanity is worth more than any overtime pay!
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